I’m an introvert.  Maybe that’s not the right diagnosis.  I’m shy?  Again not completely true.  I am not comfortable in normal social settings.  My social skills are lacking.  I can’t walk up to a stranger and introduce myself, much less carry on a meaningful conversation.  This social awkwardness was a challenge in high school.  Meeting and talking to girls or attending social functions such as dances or parties raised my anxiety to extreme levels.  It was easier to retreat.  I didn’t attend my school Prom because I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask a girl and I felt people would laugh at me when I danced.  I did attend parties in high school but only with my best friend, and even then I would follow him around at a party like a scared child because I didn’t want to have to meet someone new and try to carry on a conversation.  I became a good observer and listener.  I have never pursued a woman because I was always shy or really had no idea how to approach and converse with the opposite sex.  When I did have a girlfriend, it was because she pursued me and we would communicate through mutual friends.  My wife chased after me and caught me with the help of one of my brothers.  I like to tell her she won the lottery.  Along with family, I have a very small circle of trusted friends and that’s all I need.

I recently read an article that I think explains quite a bit about my situation.  Based on many of the causes and complications mentioned in the article, I believe I have Social Anxiety disorder.  I wouldn’t say it is severe to the point where I can’t go out in public or go to work, but it definitely affects my self-esteem, my anxiety level at work and meeting new people or attending social functions.  Some of the symptoms I have are: 

• fear of situations that may lead to negative judgment
• worry about embarrassing oneself
• intense fear of interacting with strangers or conversing
• avoidance of situations where attention may be directed to oneself 
• anxiety before or during social events.  

This disorder can result in complications, some of which I display, such as:

• low self-esteem
• difficulty being assertive
• hypersensitivity to criticism
• poor social skills.  

I’m not suicidal or drink or use drugs, I just use avoidance as much as possible. Peer pressure is one thing that sends my anxiety level through the roof.  People just don’t understand that you can be different from them resulting in expectations put on you to drink and socialize like them.  I’ve heard it before – “What’s wrong with you?  Have a beer.”  Extroverts just don’t get it.

As an adult on the verge of retirement, I still have a tough time attending company social functions.  A happy hour or even the company Christmas party causes anxiety that rises exponentially the closer the event date comes.   I find it tough to carry on meaningful conversations with people I work and interact with on a daily basis.  I hate phone calls and meetings and prefer emails. Emails and text give me a chance to capture my thoughts and put them down concisely and coherently. When put on the spot in a meeting or phone call with a question I know the answer to but can’t seem to answer because I am frozen due to anxiety, I will manage to get out “I’ll find out and get back to you.” This makes me look like I am stupid.

In my early employment years I used alcohol to grease the party social wheels and get my mind to overcome my anxiety.  Never at work though. Now, when I attend a party, my alcohol consumption is minimal, if at all, and I gravitate toward people that I know and trust.  There have been times where it is just me standing around with my wife commenting on people at a party. Then we leave early.

I deal with anxiety daily. I have a hard time turning off the logical, analytical side of my brain.  I worry. I constantly run through What If scenarios.  What If leads to worry which equals anxiety. 

What If is my trouble avoidance system.  I take the path of least resistance.  Stay out of trouble.  Don’t cause waves. It’s no wonder I’m a homebody.  I come home from work on Friday afternoon and my truck sits in the garage until Monday morning.  Safe in my home cocoon enjoying my hobbies.